Damn Cancer.

No. I don't have cancer. I am a cancer.

Here is a nice description of just part of what a cancer is about.

Cancerians have a retentive memory, particularly for emotionally laden events which they can recall in detail for years afterwards. they are strongly governed by childhood memories and since they live intensely in the past in memory and in the future in imagination, a chance meeting with someone for whom they had an unrequited love, even if they thought they had conquered the feeling, will easily rouse the emotion all over again.

I don't know if i believe in everyday horoscopes...but Astrology I can understand. Not every cancer will have the same day, but they can have the same traits as another cancer.

So anyway. A big problem/advantage of being a cancer is that they are emotional. I have noticed that 2003 was one big emotional ride. And who knows if it's gonna change at all for 2004.

I cry. Too much.

I bet a lot of ppl can't picture me crying but, at least a third of this year i spent crying over different events. thinking about jaimer's "warning label" i don't think i'll go into it too much cuz it's not something i should share with everyone. But i do feel the need to just say that I'm just unhappy. There are things in my life that are great tho, like Jeff, College is mucho fun, and from the outside, things are good. But I feel that there is just something else I'm missing. This is when I guess I should be praying more, and just believing Jesus is gonna guide me through this year and through my life. But i can't help but feel that i feel so bad because of the decisions that i make.

Sometimes it's that...and sometimes it's just that i can't speak up for myself sometimes. I go along with the crowd too much. Damn i don't even know anymore. It's annoying cuz i can't even pinpoint what it is exactly. A lot of times i feel like i give too much and it's to the wrong people. I care so much about some people and i feel like i get nothing in return. Then there are people that care about me a lot and i don't give them as much care as they give to me. It's all messed up like that


also...anton said something in his huge blog about our group falling apart. I agree that there are some aspects that are making "cracks in our foundation" (?) But when i hang out with Jaime, Meli, Dennis and Viv...I don't really see that. I think it's pretty strong. But i have to point out...at the end of the summer, i was talkin w/ dennis and viv. And dennis said something which i don't know if he knows how upset it made me at the time and still i think about it. He told me that, when it comes down to it, the crew would just be him, jaime, viv, anton and (lol i think he said meli too but i don't remember...sorry meli hehe). I know why he said it tho...and it was cuz of me erin and tyke drinking that lil bit that night. I don't know if he still feels that way...but think things have changed from that time. I don't know...I'm just saying it cuz it's always been on my mind ever since he said that.

Anyway, i actually do feel better after writing this but i know it won't last for long. There are still secrets being kept and probably will stay kept and i don't really care. I can't do much about it so i just have to keep my head up. I hope this year will be better than the last.

ps- sorry that this post didn't stay on one topic...i get distracted easily haha...and plus i don't really feel like talking too much about one thing.